Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
