next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
