Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
