GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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