Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
