tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
