Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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