Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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