I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
