News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Come on in and take your pants off
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