Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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