I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize