Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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