I cannot find my penis.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize