After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
