Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
