paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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