So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
