So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize