Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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