she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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