upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
