You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
