I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
