the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
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