There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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