What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
