i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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