made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
