So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Randomize
