were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
