shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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