someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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