i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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