I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
