I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
