There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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