my phone needs a breathalizer
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
