The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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