you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
