I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
