my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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