There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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