i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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