Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize