I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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