Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
