There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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