If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
