Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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