fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
