Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
