direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
