Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
We need to rekindle our bromance
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
