Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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