My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I stole a fireplace last night.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
