Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You pole danced in your parka.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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